On this Day.

November 29th.

This day is a strange, emotional day for me. Each year is very different than the last. Sometimes more peaceful, sometimes more intense. I can’t tell what this one is yet.

I want to start decorating for Christmas…. But 6 years ago today, we started decorating. Then I went into pre-term labour, 25 weeks and 6 days into my pregnancy. I still feel nostalgic on this day.

This is the day that I scared the hell out of my YaYa on the day that she needs me the most. I always talk to her on this day. ALWAYS. And then I didn’t. And I couldn’t tell her why…. 6 years ago today I had no way of knowing that I would go to the hospital for a check up and not come home for 90 days.

You see, it was 13 years ago on this day that she also went into labour. Her son was born sleeping. The world lost him on the day we should have welcomed a new life and one of my best friends was shattered forever. She would eventually evolve into her new normal but this normal is a parallel universe to the normal that we all expected.

I didn’t know how to call her and tell her what was happening and I didn’t know how to answer her numerous calls and say “I’m fine”, when I was in a hospital not knowing if we would share the day for the same reason. I didn’t know how to put that on her even though I know she would want me to. She is amazingly unconditional with her love, even if what I have to say will scare her to her core and drudge everything up. I just didn’t know how on that day. I was too scared myself.

I am very grateful for my story. I am fortunate that it went the way that it did. But this day makes me emotional. For Kaidden. For my YaYa. For him watching over his Petite YaYa. Emotional for remembering all that we experienced. For everything. Today is a day of acknowledgment and of gratitude.

A year ago today, during our Nov 29th talk, she apologized to ME for the effects on me of a devastating event in her life. She was feeling guilt about my survivor’s guilt. (See below).
I will say to you what I said to her (and then some).

You DO NOT NEED TO APOLOGIZE for your trauma. Please DO NOT apologize for your pain. DO NOT feel shame for your pain. We have earned our way through every single moment of our pain. Wear that shit like a badge of HONOUR!!! If I was with you through pain, you do not apologize. To sit through a darkness with someone and share their pain is a gift of LOVE. It gives hope when their light has been extinguished. It creates bonds that can not be broken. It is painful but “that’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt”. To be able to show someone such a vulnerable side of yourself is BEAUTIFUL. To let someone be there for you when you can’t be there for yourself is BEAUTIFUL. It is an HONOUR and PRIVILEGE to be allowed in like that. It is not to be shamed or apologized for. It is to be cherished. It changes who we are. It creates empathy. It creates understanding. It can make the world a better place. We don’t apologize for that. Do not ever wear extra shame for that. You have enough on your plate. Do not ever wear extra shame for that. The most damaged are usually the most beautiful. It’s okay to shine. It’s okay to be beautifully broken. I see you. I will shine in the darkness with you and I am NOT sorry.

“Survivor guilt (or survivor’s guilt; also called survivor syndrome or survivor’s syndrome) is a mental condition that occurs when a person believes they have done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not.”

Perhaps, one day, it will pass…. Today is not that day. Logic is all fine and well but it doesn’t always win. Perhaps it will never pass but just become something I can acknowledge in passing or learn to sit with. Acceptance is fickle.