On December 3, 2013, my daughter was born at 26 weeks and 3 days gestation. She weighed 1lb 14oz at birth and dropped down to 1lb 11oz before eventually starting to gain and thrive.
During my labor, her heart rate dropped to 9 beats per minute, her cord was prolapsed, she was in immediate distress. The delivery doctor tried desperately to get me into a c-section before we lost her. All of the ORs were in use.
We had one option- get her out NOW. I stood up in a squat, braced by my amazing nurses, the delivery doctor helped to guide her out and I pushed as though my daughters life depended on it. (Because it did)
She came out fist first. This girl came out in a Superman pose. Her heart rate dropped with each push and contraction. You truly do not know the strength that is within you until you have no choice but to make things happen.
We did it. We delivered her. She was born black and purple for the trauma to translucent skin. She didn’t move. She made no sound. They put her is special plastic bag from the neck down to protect her delicate skin and maintain body temp. She was intubated before I even got to see her. A nurse took my phone and snapped a photo for me – it was the only photo I had of my brand new daughter…… Then the medical team took her away, to the NICU, intubated and in bag…. I had no way of knowing if my baby, that I fought so hard to save, would still be alive when I saw her next. I had to stay with my team of doctors and nurses because I wasn’t done the delivery process.
They wheeled me up to maternity ward to start my recovery. Yes, the ward where I got no sleep because I was surrounded by all of the other mothers in Vancouver who had just given birth. The mothers who held their babies while they cried, soothed them, nurses them….. I was in the middle of this. Right after delivery, while my baby was tangle a tangle of wires and tubes in plexiglass box downstairs. All the while, my husband was nearly 500km away, trying to get to us. My son was nearly 500km away at daycare. He had no idea.
She lived! Tiny, bruised, on life support, translucent skin, and you could see the physical outline of all her internal organs when she would hiccup. But she was alive.
Living in the hospital, leaving when it’s dark. Not really knowing daylight. The part that got me was the “and as many nights without his mother”. It’s intense to look at that and know what his PICC infusions were, the part where they were weighing him, what his c-pap pressure meant, reading his screen and knowing that was a good day, the point when he was on high flow. Holding her at the beginning like that, it really like holding her with a web of lines around you. And then once you realize that you’re actually holding your baby, you do cry when the moment hits you because you shouldn’t be holding your baby in your arms. They should be in your belly; but the fact that they ARE in your arms – breathing, LIVING- it hits you like a wave bowls over every emotion that you have. It’s pretty intense.
This is why my career path changed. There was counselling support at the hospital, but not from anyone who had BEEN there. No one who really GOT it. The mom’s pump room was my sanctuary and my therapy. I am eternally grateful for my NICU crew; but I felt the pull to fill the need for those moms (and dads!) who are completely overwhelmed by their traumatic birth story. I see you. I know your path. You are not alone. The only people who know these trenches are those of us who have been there; and after 7 years (sometimes still struggling) I am in a healed place to help you get there too.
Sending love. Sending peace. Sending healing.
Love always,
Krysee
*not my video – but an accurate view of how it is ❤
While we didn’t end up bringing any machinery home, this video is a pretty accurate depiction of what the first 90 days of her life looked like for us.
#NICU #micropreemie #preemie #pprom #26w3d #bcwomensandchildrenshospital #thankyou #traumaticbirth #healingisnotlinear #kryseealtrows#mentalhealthadvocate #mentalwellness #prenatalsupport #postnatalsupport
Krysee Altrows - Mental Wellness and Life Coaching 